Big Daddy Drew from KSK on Deadspin for his weekly Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo:
You know who cares about your fantasy team? I do. I care. I care a super whole lot! If I’m at a cocktail party, and I’ve got the choice between talking to some fucking lawyer about patent litigation and some guy talking about his fantasy team, not only am I taking the fantasy guy, I’m getting his number and arranging a mandate for the next week. Fuck that lawyer right in the pants.
I’ll talk about your fantasy team with you, because talking with you about your fantasy team means talking about players I potentially also own (“Oh, you have MJD? So do I. God, I hope he falls down a fucking gorge.”), have owned in the past (“Oh, you have Chad Johnson? I had him last year. You’ll love him!”) or hope to own in the future (“Oh, you have Joseph Addai! How you like him? I was thinking about trading for him. Let’s go somewhere private and feed each other mini-spanakopitas. Later, we can share a bubble bath and soap each other’s cocks!”).
Talking about your fantasy team means talking about fantasy football in general, which also means talking about football. And I am fucking down with talking about football. It beats talking about my kid. You really don’t give a shit about that. I’m also happy to head over to fantasy football message boards and give people start/sit advice. It makes me feel like a big man. I especially like finding the dumbest questions people ask (TOPIC: AM I KRAYZEE?!!! Should I start Najeh Davenport over LT2?) and berating them for even asking the question. Again, this makes me feel smart and cool. Plus, I have a better shot of being right than when I try and answer a legit fantasy question.
Frankly, I’m a little tired of people bitching about people talking about their fantasy teams (shakes fist at Iracane). Everyone plays fantasy football, and everyone likes it. So it’s quite natural to want to talk to others about why you’d like Steven Jackson to motherfucking produce or else you’ll cut off his areolas with a pair of nail scissors. I’ll hear you out on that. Your team doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It’s not like you’re reading your goddamn diary to me. All fantasy owners have plenty in common: players, love of the game, and office ass.
So feel free to regale me with stories of your fantasy team. It beats all the fucking baseball links I get.
Filed under: Sports
